God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My work here is don’t.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying