GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
cats when you pet them too long: