God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer