God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
#oldknees
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus