God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Peace was never an option
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week