Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The most important meal of the day is the next one
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Denise please return my vape pen
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.