*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite