God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Thank you corporation very cool
My dad is at it again
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.