God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
listen closely
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)