Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Taliband
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
everyone’s a critic
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.