God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Saw online –
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho