God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.