God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
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what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.