God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.