God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.