God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
You Might Also Like
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch