God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
wtf management?!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.