“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!