God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
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How it started How it’s going
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Mouse
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.