God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
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The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there