God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.