God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.