God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You Might Also Like
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Personal question. #JustSaying
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken