“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?