God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
New mindset, who dis?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.