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I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.