God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?