God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine