Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
The biggest mystery of our time
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two