Godspeed, John Glenn
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Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.