Godspeed, John Glenn
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?