Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve