Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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grotesque if literal: baby food
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”