*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
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Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know