@Henry_3k: *Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*
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@noogscorner: Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.
@Amburglar_: Ugh don't you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
@Playing_Dad: Clark Kent: How's your lunch? Bruce Wayne: This soup is great. CK: don't BW: You could even say CK: please don't BW: It's Souper, man
@jen_says_nah: If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here..... *pizza stays *happy tears