Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
You Might Also Like
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.