my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.