DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
You Might Also Like
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
seems like a niche market
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours