I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I’ve been drinking.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout