[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you