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@EpicurusRising: *goes down on escalator
Escalator: I have a boyfriend
@SuburbanSleuth: My daughter's favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he'll have a wife.
@slimmy_shady: Drink this wine, it's the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it's the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, "Now hear me out"
@idigcrazychics: You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink.
-subtweet to my GF
@Maui_Speaks: Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.
@PortRooster: Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?
Earth: You just don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Sun: Oooh... Burn!!!