*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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Morningbreath
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
How times have changed.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.