*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Current mood: Potato
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore