me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
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#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
screw you
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂