My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
People at work: you鈥檙e hilarious,man
Family: you鈥檙e really funny
Friends: you鈥檙e the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you鈥檙e occasionally witty, but don鈥檛 quit your day job
Wife: you鈥檙e an idiot. that鈥檚 not funny.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it鈥檚 so nice to see that even at his age he鈥檚 learned how to use ChatGPT
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don鈥檛 look so bad.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Wife: we can鈥檛 curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn鈥檛 say things like that?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Wanna know what鈥檚 cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what鈥檚 colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 馃幎 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
#SCOTUS one-star review
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!