*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
where the womens at?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.