*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
that colleague who touches your screen
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
That eye roll….
Cat.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them