*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
an airline just for babies.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?