*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I cannot call her anything else now
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.