I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
This has made my week.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.